Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
