Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
