Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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