Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
this hospital has no fireball
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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