she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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