Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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