and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
