then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
