i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
