in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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