Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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