are you so shy because you have an std?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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