I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
