Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
