They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
