i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize