just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
