I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
