I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
