im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
