my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
