Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
