We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
