I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
