Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
