You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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