I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
