I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
