Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize