Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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