the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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