i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
