Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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