Need sex. Gaining weight.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
