Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
