I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Welp...herpes.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
