Taylor Swift is so right about you.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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