I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
