Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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