You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
