forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
