Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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