Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
