Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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