I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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