real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
