genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
