If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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