textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
