Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
