when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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