So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
