If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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