mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
