I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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