I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
