When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
